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SP puts the Punch in the Music Industry soccer sixes! Upton
Park, London Sunday 21st May 2006
A director's recollection by Malcolm Martin
A gritty urban mixture of hard knocks,
comedy and adventure, no not the Ad line for 'Sucker Punch' the
movie, this was the description of the 'Sucker Punch' six a side
team that gatecrashed the prestigious Music Industry celebrity charity
soccer event at Upton Park, home of 'The Hammers'. Top soap stars,
with teams from 'The Bill', 'Corrie' and 'Hollyoaks', mingled with
radio DJ'S, television presenters and music stars to raise money
for charity and, in a move that Harley himself would have been proud
of, Danny John Jules and the boys from 'Sucker Punch' blagged themselves
a full strip and a shot at the championship. Nobody saw us coming
but they all knew we were there!
The team consisted of Joe Long (News in
the movie) as our gaffer, Tamer Hassan (Del boy), Danny John Jules
(Harley), Leon Walters (Creel), Chris (News sidekick), Colin McMillan
(former World boxing champion) Tiger (Tamer's mate), Max (from Radio
London), Austin (who are you, who are you???), Peter Hucker (former
QPR Goalkeeper) and yours truly, playing after a twelve year lay-off.
I knew I would be in trouble when I ran out of puff putting my shin
pads on but in our Celtic style strip we all decided it was just
a bit of fun, a knockabout for charity, good Pr, no pressure, a
good day out, just a lark in the park and we were going to fucking
win it!
Our first game was against the 'Hollyoaks'
hunks and they really were a good looking bunch of fit lads straight
off of the tele. We got off to a bit of a bad start when the ref
told both teams 'no above head height' and I innocently asked if
he meant the tackles, with Tamer stood like a brick shithouse beside
me. The ref saw the funny side but some hunk's tango tans went very,
very pale. We immediately opted for an attacking 1-5 formation,
which meant we all left Peter all on his lonesome in our half while
we chased glory and what a great job he did of it, stopping everything
the Hollyoaks Hunks could throw at him. Thanks to Peter's blinding
performance we slaughtered them to a 0-0 draw and this against one
of the pre-tournament favourites. 'The Gaffer' was well-chuffed
with his rotation system, even when it meant that we had seven on
the field because someone hadn't gone off, totally unintentionally
of course.
Oh, did I mention the rain? It was of
biblical proportions and one of the teams had their centre forward
knocked out by a plummeting cat, whilst in a corner an old guy was
ripping up part of the Upton Park terracing and making it into an
Ark. We didn't care, we had held the young bucks from Hollyoaks
to a draw and were even more convinced that we were going to win
it, although Peter did say that he would quite like one defender
with him some of the time and Tamer promised that if he couldn't
get the man he would occasionally go for the ball. We were soaked,
happy and confident, although little Austin almost drowned in a
puddle.
My only worry after the first round was
that our Gaffer wasn't using the correct football lingo when he
shouted at us-we should have been Danno, Tammo, Malco, Maxo, Chrissy
Boy, Macca etc but he did everything else right, so we let him off.
Next up was a team of DJ's including their token pro-former top
class centre half Steve (Tottenham) Sedgley. Once again, using an
unorthodox attacking formation that once again saw Peter as 'Billy
No Mates' in goal, we slaughtered them 1-0 and endeared ourselves
to the crowd, who chanted 'boring, boring Arsenal' at us.
After having actually kicked the ball
twice, once without falling over, and sprinting like a Battersea
Dogs Home Greyhound with asthma up the touchline, I needed the physio
and decided to avail myself of the team of masseurs that were there
to patch us up. Now, when I think of a massage I think of those
wonderful scenes with Sylvia Kristel in the 'Emmanuelle' movies,
but man was I in for a shock! These boys were right out of the Spanish
Inquisition and after a few seconds of 'gentle massage' on my thigh,
not only was I admitting to being a heretic, I promised to squeal
on all the rest of the team, putting in writing that Leon was actually
Satan.
I only lasted a few seconds of our third
group game but we grew in confidence as a team, confident enough
to stand and watch as the opposition peppered our goal, laughing
at their futile attempts to beat the incredible Peter Hucker. Then,
with a lightning counter attack, instigated by Danny the crab's
across the penalty box pass, we scored to lead 1-0. With the clock
ticking down, Tamer decided that the best way to prevent the other
team scoring was to reduce their numbers, which he attempted with
a fantastic impression of Bruce Lee. The referee didn't appreciate
the way Tamer could get his leg so high and after he found the other
guy's head and put it back on, sent Tamer off. This was the first
time this had ever happened at the Soccer Sixes and I felt so proud,
only three games in and already we were making history.
The quarter final draw saw us up against
'The Bill' and although they may look right hard cases on the box
as they shout 'you're nicked my son', they didn't fancy facing the
Turkish terror, so we were informed that Tamer had to serve a one
match ban! The Gaffer was sick as a parrot, pointing out that not
only had the other guy lived but he was already beginning to remember
certain people's names and communicate through sign language. With
Tamer out and myself injured beyond repair, winning was a tall order,
especially as 'The Bill' side were looking good in the warm -up.
To add to our problems, our wonder goalie,
Peter, was feeling the strain. At 105 he was the oldest man in the
tournament and after every game his knees began to swell up a little
bit more. By the time we played 'The Bill' his kneecaps looked like
Jordan's jugs (after enlargement surgery), whilst Danny went to
the medical team to see if they could do something to his feet to
make him kick the ball forwards. The gaffer, reading from his book
of soccer clichés reminded us that it was a funny old game,
it only takes a second to score a goal, it's not over until the
final whistle and it's rude to stare at Peter's knees.
Well, despite all these setbacks the Sucker
Punch spirit shone through and, against all the odds, we beat 'The
Bill' 2-1 and found ourselves in the semi final and dreaming of
glory. Even the crowd were beginning to warm to us and one young
star struck fan called me over to the terraces, autograph book in
hand. As I got ready to sign my name with a flourish, he asked me
if I could run over to the Liberty X girls team and get them to
sign his book and bring it back. Cheeky little….
We were told that we had an hour to wait
for our semi and the gaffer mentioned something about important
tactics and formations that he had to discuss with the barman in
the VIP Hospitality suite. Sensing the urgency of this discussion,
half the team decided to go with him. No sooner had they gone, than
the floor manager told me that we were due on in five! We had Pete,
with knees that now looked like they had kid's swimming armbands
wrapped around them, little Austin, who asked if he could only play
in the shallow end, me, Danny the crab and Max, enough we were told,
to start the game.
Just as the first whistle blew the gaffer
returned with the rest of the team, the important tactics still
smelling on his breath, as he asked me how long we had been playing.
Realising it was still 0-0, he immediately continued his now famous
rotation system, bringing Danny off, on, and off again all within
40 seconds. At one stage he even brought Danny off and replaced
him with his bandana. Genius! It was not enough, however and even
with Austin swimming manfully up the wing (against the tide), we
lost 3-1 and our dream was over.
We had done our bit though and the Gaffer
was proud of us, adding that we had really promoted the film and
done our bit for charidee. For myself, there were some precious
memories and some bizarre sights, not least the girl's teams, made
up of sexy starlets. They looked so different from on the box-so
much shorter than I'd imagined-in fact, one team running to the
pitch in fits of giggles looked like a group of fifth form schoolgirls
running out for P.E, except they all had enormous tits.
As I drove home, Upton Park's magnificent
towers in my rear view mirror, I thought of the near future, the
film's release and the prospect of returning again, stars after
everyone had seen us coming and do you know what….
I was over the moon Jim, over the
moon.
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